Donald Trump Pumps Up the Dillon Panthers

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Alright. Dillon Panthers. That’s great. Let’s talk about the other guys. The other guys, the other team, they have their quarterbacks, and they’ve got their receivers and their returners, and all this. And believe me, I know how it works. I’ve known their coach for many years. Can I be honest? I don’t think he’s the best at his job. He used to be. He learned a lot, watching me. But since he stopped listening to me, my analysts tell me he’s lost over a million games. Very sad.  Read the full post »

How to Find Your True Purpose In Life

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Most people start looking for their life’s purpose by asking sensible, reasonable questions: What am I good at? What do I enjoy? Do these things provide any true value to the world? Will people pay me to do these things? Read the full post »

I Wrote THE WINDS OF WINTER for George R. R. Martin

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George R. R. Martin has announced that “The Winds of Winter,” the next book in A Song of Ice and Fire, will not be finished before the next season of Game of Thrones debuts—meaning the show is outpacing the books. I can appreciate Mr. Martin’s time constraints, being a famous author, so I went ahead and wrote The Winds of Winter for him.

Please note, I have only read the first book and seen a few episodes of the show.

Read the full post »

Tamir Rice and the Boys

You’re Tamir Rice. You’re lying on your side in a park by your house, a friend’s toy gun inches from your hands. Read the full post »

The 10 Best Articles I Read in 2015

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As my Facebook friends, all of whom I love equally, will tell you, I share a lot of articles. Two a day, generally. I’d share more, but Zuckerberg’s blasted algorithm starts pushing them down if I share too many. Read the full post »

Have Yourself a Melancholy Christmas

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One of Arrested Development‘s great running gags is that when characters get hit with sad news, they start moping around to the tune of Vince Guaraldi’s “Christmastime Is Here.” If you’ve seen the show, you get the reference. If not, well, you should watch Arrested Development. Read the full post »

It Is Time to Ban Humans From Narnia

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The White Witch is calling for a total and complete shutdown of humans entering Narnia until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on. According to our research there is great hatred towards Narnians by large segments of the human population. Humans have been observed fraternizing with beavers and fauns, in direct violation of local law.

Moreover, a full 25% of humans entering into Narnia are believed to be noxious traitors. The human world is known to be a place of ceaseless violence, abuse and gross ignorance regarding the rights of talking beasts.

This is not to say that all humans are bad. There are many moderate humans. But until we have a good way of sorting the good humans from the bad, keeping them out of Narnia is the right and sensible thing to do.

Even the “good humans,” such as they are, are poorly suited for the Narnian climate, having grown up in a world where it is only rarely winter and Christmas is celebrated annually. Surely, there are other magical countries more suited to the unique needs of humans than Narnia.

The White Witch stated, “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody that human hatred is beyond comprehension. Where this hatred comes from and why we will have to determine. Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in war, and have no sense of reason or respect for life. So long as I remain queen, we are going to Make Narnia Great Again.”

Dear Syrian Refugees: Sorry, but Look At It From Our Perspective

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Dear [REFUGEE NAME(S)]

Thank you for your interest in fleeing to [STATE]! As you are aware, our state is a rainbow of humanity, positively bursting with opportunities for the weary who wash up on our welcoming shores. Truly, the promise of America is made manifest nowhere as clearly as [STATE]! Read the full post »

Being Muslim in America

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Every now and then, I take a back seat to my own blog to give a different voice a chance to tell their story. I know it’s my name in the URL, but other people’s stories matter to me, so I don’t mind the passenger’s seat now and then.  A few weeks ago, I chatted with Arshia Saiyed, a first-generation Indian studying law here in Nashville.

Arshia is a Muslim, and I had a great conversation with her about the similarities and differences between our faiths. In light of the horrors taking place in Paris, I thought our conversation would be relevant to some of the chatter online.

One important point: Islam is not a monolithic religion, and no one person can claim to speak for all of it. Arshia doesn’t speak for the entirety of Muslim America. To appropriate a phrase from Lena Dunham, she’s not the voice of her faith, but a voice in her faith. This is her own story.

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Gotham Does Not Have a Joker Problem. It Has a Sin Problem.

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(Guest editorial from Hewitt Lyman, city councilman and longtime member of Gotham City Baptist Church.) Read the full post »

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