If There Was a Christian in the Power Rangers

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(While the original Power Rangers featured a delightfully diverse cast of teenagers tasked with saving the world through karate and interlocking dinosaur robots, HollyWEIRD never got around to adding an openly Christian member to the team. Surprise, surprise. Today, that oversight will be rectified.)

(The scene opens on ANGEL GROVE HIGH, where JASON, KIMBERLY, ZACK, TRINI and BILLY are studying in the school cafeteria.)

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ZACK: (Wearily) Man, I can’t believe they started offering philosophy courses this year. This is bogus.

TRINI: Yeah, at least all we have to do in order to pass is write “God is dead” on a piece of paper.

(All nod.) 

(Enter CHASTITY LIVINGSTON, a beautiful young teenager, wise beyond her years. She wears a CROSS NECKLACE.)

CHASTITY: You aren’t seriously thinking of writing that, are you?

KIMBERLY: We have to, Chastity! Otherwise, we’ll fail high school philosophy!

BILLY: (Sneering) Besides, hasn’t science disproven God?

CHASTITY: (Not unkindly) No, Billy, science cannot disprove God. He exists beyond the observable realm of scientific inquiry.

BILLY: That’s not what Richard Dawkins says.

CHASTITY: A scientist of Dawkins’ caliber should know better than to resort to such puerile argumentation.

(Cut to RITA’S MOON BASE.)

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RITA: (Screeches.) Ah, anti-theistic philosophy! That gives me an idea that will squash those meddling brats once and for all!

GOLDAR: But Your Evilness, doesn’t Anselm’s Ontological Argument put the question of God beyond the bounds of—

RITA: You incompetent git! Everyone knows that Anselm’s presupposition of existence as an inherent good and of itself was flawed!

GOLDAR: But Plantinga—

RITA: Silence! Yes. I think my beautiful wickedness might be bettered by a bit of Richard Dawkins. Or, should I say, heh heh, Duckins…

(Ominous music plays as we cut back to ANGEL GROVE HIGH, where CHASTITY is firmly yet lovingly drawing a diagram for her classmates on her TRAPPER KEEPER.)

CHASTITY: …so we see that, even if we overlook vast gaps in the fossil record, irreducible complexity remains a fly in the ointment for the Darwinist.

KIMBERLY: This is amazing. I had always assumed God was dead.

CHASTITY: A common misconception based on an ill-informed reading of a Nietzschean argument that isn’t all that compelling to begin with.

BILLY: I’m not convinced.

(Suddenly, the PUTTY PATROL swarms ANGEL GROVE HIGH.) 

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JASON: Oh no!

TRINI: (Front flip) Looks like proving the existence of God will have to wait! Hi-YAH!

CHASTITY: (Does the splits) Hiyah! It’s not about proving the existence of God. Hi-YAH! It’s about proving that belief in God does not require a suspension of intellect!

ZACK: HIYAH! (Front flip) But what about all the suffering that’s been caused in the name of religion! HiYAH!

CHASTITY: (Cartwheeling) That’s a selective reading of history!

UNSEEN VOICE: Ah, history! Just like what you’re about to be, Rangers!

(RICHARD DUCKINS enters. He is a giant, grotesque duck who also looks a little like Richard Dawkins.) 

JASON: Oh man!

RICHARD DUCKINS: Yes, Rangers! Man! The crowning achievement of the evolution!

CHASTITY: Pretty hard to evolve without transitive species, the fossils of which don’t exist.

RICHARD DUCKINS: I’m about to make fossils out of you, Rangers!

JASON: We’ll see about that! It’s Morphin’ time!

ZACK: Mastodon!

KIMBERLY: Pterodactyl!

BILLY: Triceratops!

TRINI: Saber-toothed Tiger!

JASON: Tyrannosaurus!

CHASTITY: Spotless Lamb…osaur!

(Power Rangers theme song starts playing while Power Rangers wave hands about and pose in a threatening manner.)

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RED RANGER: (Karate chopping the air.) Looks like your duck is cooked, Richard Duckins!

BLACK RANGER: (Moving hands like a helicopter) Don’t you have a Reddit thread to get to!?

YELLOW RANGER: Yeah! (Jump kicking, then standing on one leg like a flamingo) You and your “quack” science!

RICHARD DUCKINS: Now you’re putting me in a “fowl” mood, Rangers! (Turns into a giant version of himself—towering over the Rangers.) 

BLACK RANGER: Uh-oh. Looks like he’s now as big as logical fallacies!

RED RANGER: Dinosaur Power!

PURPLE RANGER: And the power of prayer!

(Robot dinosaurs all converge upon ANGEL GROVE HIGH and combine to form MEGAZORD.)

PINK RANGER: Looks like humans and dinosaurs do exist in the same era, Duckins!

RICHARD DUCKINS: Bah! I believe that Jesus may have been a good teacher, but I don’t accept him as divine!

(Megazord shakes back and forth as sparks fly.)

ALL RANGERS: Ahhhh!

BLUE RANGER: (Karate chopping the air) What do we do?

BLACK RANGER: (Pulling hand into a fist, dramatically.) There’s no way to debate with someone who thinks Jesus was just a good teacher!

PURPLE RANGER: (Puts both hands together like she’s praying) I’ve got just the thing!

RICHARD DUCKINS: Ready to admit defeat, Rangers?

PURPLE RANGER: Nice delusion, feather brain! But if Jesus was just a good teacher, then why did he claim to be God? That would have made him either a lunatic, on par with a man who thinks he is a poached egg or a liar.

RED RANGER: (Sticking both fists in front of him.) Awww, yeah!

RICHARD DUCKINS: Noooo! My mind! It’s …changiinnngg.

PURPLE RANGER: It was never about changing your mind, Duckins. It was about changing your heart.

(RICHARD DUCKINS explodes in a shower of sparks.)

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(Everyone changes back to normal size at ANGEL GROVE HIGH.) 

JASON: Wow, Chastity, you sure showed him.

CHASTITY: Well, I didn’t do anything. I’m an empty vessel.

BILLY: Chastity, I’m sorry that I was so skeptical earlier.

CHASTITY: You don’t have to apologize for skepticism, Billy. It’s an understandable response to decades of hardline fundamentalism that refuses to broker debate with opposing views.

BILLY: Thanks, but I still don’t know if I can choose between evolution and God.

CHASTITY: You’ve created a false dichotomy for yourself. Throughout history, many thoughtful Christians have held to a non-literal interpretation of the Creation narrative.

KIMBERLY: You mean the Bible and science aren’t inherently at odds with each other?

CHASTITY: Oh, hardly.

(Everyone cheers and gets an ‘A’ in their high school philosophy course.)

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3 Comments

  1. That was terrible. Spectacularly, beautifully, terrible.

    Reply
  2. Jocelynn

     /  October 19, 2015

    You might want to check into Bibleman, with Willie Aames. It actually was a great series of videos that my kids enjoyed when they were in the upper elementary school grades. The sweet spot age is 7-10 year old boys IMHO.

    Reply
  3. I can’t believe this author is so ignorant. I mean, why create a whole new character when he could have just used Tommy? Y’know, the guy on the show who actually was a Christian? I mean, I don’t think his character ever was, but the actor was! And now that he’s grown up, he’s all cool and he does MMA fighting, and he’s part of a Christian Cage Fighter’s coalition called “Jesus Didn’t Tap,” and…

    Okay, never mind. Turns out Chastity is a much less embarrassing representative of Christianity. Just pretend I didn’t say anything.

    Reply

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