A Call to Biblical Manateehood

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Manatees, it’s time to answer the call of Biblical Manateehood.

As Christian manatees, Biblical manateehood starts and ends with the Bible’s definition of what it means to be a manatee. We must remember that throughout eternity, God predestined us manatees to take our place as the crown of the sea, humbling basking in the glory of our headship. 

This is no easy jetty to swim. Our culture demeans and even vilifies manateehood as an object of scorn and ridicule, if not toxicity. Flip on the television and you’re likely to see manatees portrayed as bumbling oafs, forever henpecked by its far more attractive mate, harried by gill fish preening algae and parasites from its rough hide while it passively drifts wherever the current carries him, ignoring his call to master and subjugate creation.

Lest you think this crisis in manateehood is restricted to pop culture depictions, simply look into any shallow coastal waters or brackish water estuaries and you will see otherwise. Sadly, this generation of manateehood are the least manateely in all history. Gone are the days of mastery and subjugation which, admittedly, resulted in treating other creatures as property but was not without its perks.

Today’s manatees are a useless lot, sleeping well over 50% of the day and only surfacing for air at intervals of nearly 20 minutes. They will breed only once every few years. They do not know how to take responsibility for themselves. They are, in truth, emanateesculated.

Fellow manatees, this is not the image of Biblical manateehood.

The Bible clearly teaches manatees are to protect, nurture and lead all creation. This is not because manatees are inherently better than the rest of creation. Well, maybe a little.  But it is in any case our responsibility. Our culture would have us believe that being a manatee is merely skin deep—no more than having six cervical vertebrae or occasionally being mistaken for a mermaid. Real manatees know that manateehood has been engrained on our very souls.

For thousands of years, there was no question of what it meant to be a biblical manatee. It boiled down to three essentials: protection, procreation and providence. Mostly, it meant to be awesome and nobody coud make fun of you. Everyone understood that.

But the modern manatee lives in an age of unparalled comfort, prosperity, and peace. The freshwater springs are warmer than ever. The red tide is decades away. Many manatees have fallen under the nanny state World Conservation Union, and will happily suckle from its empty promises of “protection” while being lulled into passivity and, ultimately, lethargy.

Today’s manatees know nothing of the joys of swimming 3-5 miles per hour, or demonstrating signs of associative learning. They have not learned how to use their prehensile, divided upper lip to eat between 10%-15% of their bodyweight every day. They do not graze, or communicate with each other via a wide array of sounds, from dolphin-like clicks to bovine bleats.

This is why today, so many other creatures of the sea have started to see equality between themselves and manatees as not just possible, but desirable. When manatees lose their divine manateehood, is it any wonder that they will be subjugated by those they once saw as theirs by right of birth? Sadly, anyone who strives to be equal with the manatee can only fail, being neither as intelligent or as strong as we manatees are. Such is the burden of being a manatee. These other creatures have their own roles (cleaning, caring for manatee calves, being nice to look at, etc.) and by abdicating these roles, they strip themselves of the status they deserve.

Beware the cry for equality. It is the death knell of biblical manateehood.

Our generation needs faithful manatees who will champion their call in word and deed by loving each other and serving and submitting to each other. Yes, manatees have to submit to others too, but not, like, submit submit. And when this generation of manatees rise up and take the manateehood that is rightfully theirs, the rest of the world will more or less right itself.

That is what being a real manatee is all about.

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9 Comments

  1. Nick

     /  October 10, 2015

    I’m dying… I swear I’ve heard manateaching pastors preach this same sermon more times than I can count.

    Reply
  2. Micah Did-Dell

     /  October 10, 2015

    The only thing this is missing is a Braveheart illustration about what it means to be a true manatee.

    Reply
  3. maygrrl

     /  October 16, 2015

    Absolutely hilarious! Well done!

    Reply
  4. rachelshubin119066650

     /  October 16, 2015

    HAHAHAHA! This is the best thing ever.

    Reply
  5. jlaramsey

     /  October 16, 2015

    So awesome!

    Reply
  6. There is something fishy about those who deny Biblical manateehood.

    Any creature who tries to usurp Biblical manateehood roles will be like a fish out of water.

    Reply
  7. Jarrod

     /  October 16, 2015

    Ugh. Another archaic complementarian diatribe about the roles of aquatic species. I suppose next you’ll tell cuttlefish that they can’t survive in the bathypelagic zone because of the low temperatures and lack of prey in aphotic regions (DESPITE being among the most intelligent mollusks, not to mention invertebrates generally). Just because manatees were born with an unusually large cecum, that means they’re ordained to be the head of the ocean. Give me a break. More oppressive bloviating from the trichechiarchy.

    Reply
  8. ” … not because manatees are inherently better than the rest of creation. Well, maybe a little.” – Marvelous send up!

    Reply
  1. daviddrury.com | #DruReadable – Worth Reading If You Missed It In Early October

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