Matt Walsh Liveblogs an Episode of ‘House of Cards’

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Since Tyler Huckabee is too busy to do anything this week, tylerhuckabee.com invited Matt Walsh over to liveblog an episode of House of Cards. This is a satire.

I’m not normally one for watching Netflix or any television, or any media at all, because I am not interested in opening my home up to a constant spew of violence, misinformation, liberal spin and glorification of American depravity in which every moment of national insanity is hailed as what passes for “progress” in this lunatic age, but House of Cards intrigues me.

The name seems to imply that the White House has grown so vapid and brittle from its constant cowing to foreign interests and the incessant mewing of our Commander in Chief that the slightest gust of reason could topple it. This is an interesting idea, but it does not go far enough. In truth, our entire country is a house of cards, a rickety lean-to built by feminist-y, gun-paranoid, precious snowflakes who whine about their feelings and microaggressions with every card they haphazardly slam into place, shutting their ears against any whisper of sensibility.

Anyway.

I intend to watch the pilot and will leave my thoughts here.

-In typical Hollyweird fashion, this show’s introduction is unrelenting in its monotony and over-impressed with its own pomposity. It looks to be a minute and thirty-two seconds long. A minute and thirty-two seconds I have sat here watching this drivel while liberals (I will not demean the word “progress” by calling them “progressives.” I shall call them “regressives,” because it’s kinder than “devious imbeciles,” not that they deserve that kindness) … while regressives continue in their dogged determination to drive this country to ruin and John Boehner sits on his hands, seemingly content to let them do so.

-Kevin Spacey is an alright actor, if you like your liberal shills masticating their bewilderingly backwards dogma in a funny-if-it-wasn’t-so-terrible simulacrum of a southern accent. It’s a bit much for me but then, I’m a normal thinking human.

-It appears the liberal Hollywood elite believe all Southern conservative politicians are so stupid they simply talk to themselves, pretending no one else can hear them, grandstanding in lonesome fashion about their own twisted schemes. I’m losing interest as quickly as millions of Americans lost their health insurance to the glorious, “life-saving” sludge that is Obamacare.

-It appears I was mistaken and Kevin Spacey is playing a cruel, conniving Democrat. I may have been too quick with my judgement.

-Interesting.

-Oh good! A newsroom! A young, intrepid, female journalist eager to twist the clear, simple facts of America’s fading global prominence into yet another liberal missive about the unending glories of the Democratic police state! And a female boss too, because God forbid man should have a job in Hollywood’s America! Color me addicted! Kidding, of course. Feminism is poison.

-Kevin Spacey’s character has killed a dog. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that this sort of vile garbage has hypnotized the hearts and minds of America into thinking it’s the second coming of Shakespeare, seeing as the unending train of illegal immigrants into this country is bringing along with it their homelands’ various obsessions with crime and wanton violence, poisoning the already addled minds of our own liberal elite.

-I think we’re supposed to find Kevin Spacey’s character’s dog murder to be somehow shocking in its cruelty, but if Americans can’t even find it within themselves to be outraged over our President’s repeated attempts to deceive the public into believing he is a Christian, I don’t know why they should find a dog murder to be anything more than business as usual for a liberal politician.

-It seems a Congressman has been arrested for drunk driving. This is unsurprising. I suspect our Congress would have to spend their entire lives in a drunken stupor in order to pass off any of the past seven years under Obama as “work.” In a sane society, an elected official who ended up drunk behind the wheel would be met with coast-to-coast protests. In this country, there are only protests when a police officer does his job

-Come to think of it, can you imagine in Kevin Spacey’s character was a REPUBLICAN who killed a dog? The public would be foaming at the mouth for his execution, if they hadn’t already grown too weak-kneed and lily-livered to stomach the thought of executing anyone for any purpose. 

-Soooo, they’d probably just deport the Republican who killed a dog, except President Obama, our Orwellian overlord, wouldn’t deport a rabid moose to Canada if it was terrorizing his own family with a rifle. Not that a moose would even be able to purchase a rifle anymore what with Big Brother’s background checks into every private moment of freedom and contentedness the moose has ever had, only to determine that, sorry, you will not be able to purchase a gun because of [completely fictional reason]. That’s right, it’s completely legal (even applauded! Even heroic!) to actually change your gender in this country, but it’s not legal for a completely innocent moose to purchase a firearm. That moose would probably be better off in Canada. WE ALL WOULD.

-OK. Where was I.

-Oh yeah.

-It appears the liberal journalist is attempting to find some dirt on a liberal politician. Wouldn’t it be nice if this is how the world actually worked. Hey, liberal journalist! Why don’t you just trump up some pretend scandal about so-called “rape culture.” You know, like a real reporter would!

-Pathetic.

-The Kevin Spacey character seems wholly unbothered by his own amoral schemes, which may well be true enough to how all liberal politicians live their day in, day out, hijacking of the American dream. They cannot imagine the simple pleasures of a clean conscience, far away from the maddening din of Washington D.C.’s ethical pollution. But then, can I myself even remember those days anymore? There was a time when I was happy to be a writer, a husband and a father—the joys of life were simple ones. A cup of coffee in the morning. The delighted laughter of my wife. But the more I wrote, the more I realized that in order to be truly successful I must shun a life of contentedness and strive for anger and outrage, only anger and outrage—the twin, black, beating hearts of my success. The world I have manufactured is one in which there is no lightness or peace, and I must be my own watchguard against the very happiness that once so easily flooded my days, lest it neuter my platform of feigned rage and disgust with things that do not concern me. I have told myself that I have not gone too far. I have attempted to convince myself of the rightness of my cause. I remind myself that the door remains open and the light lit, but sometimes I fear it is all a lie. I am standing in a blizzard, alone with nothing in sight for for miles and miles in any direction, my cries unheeded by man or beast. And the hour grows late.

-Despite some positive elements (depicting liberal politicians as sinister despots who will stop at nothing to fuel our society’s rapid freefall into abject idiocy) every moment I spend watching this is a moment regressives can use to further their own nefarious ends, and my blog may well be the only thing between them and victory.

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2 Comments

  1. watchman

     /  July 20, 2015

    I liked that you used the the word simulacrum.

    Reply
  2. FourEyes

     /  July 20, 2015

    Well, I’m glad you found something to watch since “iCarly” went off the air.

    Reply

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