The 8 Most Implausible Bodies in the Marvel Universe

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Now, before we get started, let’s acknowledge that Marvel is a fantastical universe and we must allow it the fancies of the genre. If Marvel decides that spider bite bestows upon its victim a truly enviable six-pack or that Tony Stark somehow finds time to exercise for a couple hours a day in addition to all his inventing/Avenging, than we can allow them those quirks.

But where do we draw the line? At what point does the fantastical just become purely improbable? Here, we will determine just that.

8. Dr. Strange

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Usually, Stephen Strange is dressed in the sort of flowing garb that befits a mystical wizard-y sort, but every now and then, you can detect the ripples of his most magical asset of all, and this is where we take issue. While I confess that it’s possible that a master sorcerer might take time out of his day for regular exercise and healthy eating, I find it highly unlikely that he would have time for such discipline.

It is likewise possible that he has cast a spell on himself to keep his body in trim shape, but that would be a very petty thing for the Sorcerer Supreme to do and, I daresay, an abuse of his office.

7. The Kingpin

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Obesity is no laughing matter in the Marvel Universe or any universe and I don’t mean to imply that Wilson Fisk’s considerable mass is either impossible or, perhaps, the result of an unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle.

The problem is, Marvel writers regularly show Fisk leaping into physical combat and holding his own or even defeating the likes of Spider-Man and Daredevil. The idea is supposed to be that his immense frame is actually just solid muscle, but that strikes me as very unlikely, as Fisk is very busy overseeing his criminal empire and probably does not have enough time to devote himself to the power lifting regimen it would require to maintain his mass.

6. Invisible Woman

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Sue Storm is actually one of the more realistically proportioned women in all the Marvel Universe (which is why she’s so low on the list. We’ll get to the others.) The problem is, the woman above is a mother of two in addition to being a scientific genius in her own right as well as a regular saver of the world. I’m not saying she couldn’t possibly find the time to regularly exercise, but it strikes me as passingly unlikely. There’s also the simple matter of her own character, which seems much too assured and confident to worry much about cultural standards of beauty.

5. Professor X

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Professor Xavier’s shifting origin story doesn’t always place his birth at several years before World War II, but regardless, the dude is not getting any younger. Don’t tell that to those rippling guns though. Why read minds when you can just blow them with a single flex of your bicep?

4. She Hulk

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Following an ill-advised blood transfusion from her cousin, Bruce Banner, Jennifer Walters became a girl version of his angrier self. Albeit, a noticeably more comely one.

Fortunately for the male gaze, the Gamma radiation didn’t so much turn her into a muscle bound rage monster so much as a total babe. The science of Gamma radiation remains poorly understood and although it’s possible that Gamma rays are bound to the desires of the patriarchy, it seems unlikely.

3. Steve Rogers

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For those not caught up on Marvel’s current goings-on, Captain America recently lost the Super Soldier Serum that had kept his young and fit for the past seventy years, leaving his body old and still very fit. By this reckoning Rogers is about is about 95 years old, but don’t tell that to his rippling six pack. You can take the Super Soldier Serum out of the man, but who cares, because dude could still kick your ass.

2. Magneto

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Magneto “the master of magnetism” is a being of limitless power, vast intellect and a firm belief that you are only as old as you feel. Which is good, because he is very old (remember, he spent time in Auschwitz) but, man, you wouldn’t know it to look at him. He desires global conquest, and must plot his attacks around his daily Olympic lifting schedule, all while maintaining a very high protein diet because, holy moly.

1. Psylocke

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Honestly, most of Marvel’s women deserve to be somewhere on this list, but we’ll let Psylocke shoulder the weight of her entire gender. She is certainly capable, given her spectacularly well-developed glutes. Betsy Braddock is a ninja whose mutant powers allow her to communicate telepathically and also apparently to survive without any internal organs in her stomach.

 

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1 Comment

  1. Dr. Strange: Yoga.
    Kingpin: Like Shaq. Only bigger.
    Captain America was frozen in time.

    that’s all i got

    Reply

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