The Avengers: Age of Ultron will come soaring into theaters in May, and with it, many of our questions will finally be answered. Why is Iron Man fighting the Hulk? Who made Ultron and for what purpose? What is this accent and why? But the movie will (presumably) not answer which Avenger listens to which contemporary Christian band. For that, you have to read this.
Scarlet Witch: Relient K
I know I’m not the only one getting a strong power pop vibe from Scarlet Witch’s appearance. Also, Relient K once had a song about Marilyn Manson eating a girlfriend and Elizabeth Olsen looks like just the sort of person Manson would eat. I don’t know why that’s true, but it’s undeniable.
As much as I’d like to think Quicksilver would be a fan of Starflyer 59 since they both have fast-sounding names, Quicksilver strikes me as a man who keeps step with the times. Just look at that outfit—that is the outfit of a man moving forward. And who in CCM has been as forward moving as Lecrae, who came out of nowhere to take the scene by storm?
Falcon: Rebecca St. James
Falcon talks a big game and I’m sure, in front of his friends, he’d say something about how he was super into Young Thug or something cool like that, but underneath, there is no doubt that he has a downy soft heart that succumbs to sweet melodies of Rebecca St. James, just like the rest of us.
Coulson: Caedmon’s Call
This doesn’t even need an explanation.
Nick Fury: Stavesacre
Here’s a little Avengers trivia for you: despite the fact that he gets the job of being the paper-pushing manager in the Avengers universe, Nick Fury is probably the most badass of all the Avengers. Lest we forget, in the first Avengers movie, dude shot down a plane with a rocket launcher just to keep it from reaching New York City. Likewise, Stavesacre is CCM’s hardest dudes, which isn’t saying much really, but that’s the sort of list this is.
Hawkeye: Andre Crouch
Andre Crouch was always sort of in the background of CCM—never making too much noise, but dramatically improving anything he was a part of. That’s his choir on MJ’s “Man in the Mirror” and Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” Always in the background, but making his mark whenever it really counted—remind you of anyone? HMMMMM?
War Machine: Sara Groves
I mean, just look at him. He has all the tell-tale signs of being a die-hard Sara Groves fan.
Bruce Banner: Rich Mullins
A bit socially awkward and not particularly well-understood, but well-respected in their mutual fields. Bruce Banner even does the “Awesome God” hand motions. That’s how big of fan he is.
It’s probably tough for Hulk to choose between Underoath and Blindside, because both channel his inner rage, but Blindside eventually calmed down and then sort of fizzled out altogether. Underoath went down screaming. Hulk respects that.
Thor: Jars of Clay
Another one where it’s be tempting to say Blindside since Blindside is Swedish and Swedish is close to Norway which sounds like “Norse,” which is the divine pantheon from which Thor heralds, but again, no. Thor is a Jars of Clay fan, for two reasons: First, they’ve been in the game a long time, just like he has. Secondly, “Flood” has a lot of storm imagery, which is Thor’s favorite kind of imagery.
The Black Widow: Yeah, Right
Oh, please. Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, listens to Contemporary Christian music? Is that what you think? That she just turns on K-Love when she’s out driving her motorcycle around, picking off HYDRA agents with single-take kill shots? Have you even read The Avengers? No. Natasha is listening to some crazy intelligent, deeply cool rock band you’ve never even heard of.
Iron Man: Skillet
Let’s see. Hip, industrial sound? Check. Cool yet weirdly outdated sense of style? Check. Babes? Check. Tony Stark may wear a lot of classic rock t-shirts, and I respect that, but if he hasn’t actually helped produce a Skillet album yet, it’s only because they can’t afford him.
Captain America: Steven Curtis Chapman
This is the easiest one on the entire list.
Back in 2000, as the height of their popularity, dcTalk announced that they were taking a brief “intermission” to “refocus” and “work on their own stuff” and would “definitely get back together.” It’s been fifteen years, and we are no closer to the end of that intermission then we were when it first began. Seems like the sort of deception a villainous android bent on world domination would appreciate.
(Thanks to Ryan Hamm for his expertise in putting this together)