The Ballad of Marine Todd

A story is inspired by this tale.

A Marine was taking college classes between his deployments to Afghanistan.

One of his courses had a professor that was an atheist. One day the professor shocked everyone by walking into class, looking up and stating “God, if you are real, I want you to come down and knock me off this platform, I will give you 15 minutes.

Several minutes tick by in silence, when the 15 min. time almost expired the Marine gets up from his seat, approaches the professor and punched him in the face knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine simply went back to his seat.

The professor came to, visibly shaken and asked the Marine, “What the heck did you do that for?!”

The Marine said, “God was busy protecting America’s military who are out protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, so he sent me to fill in.”

Then, the rest of the science faculty burst into the classroom, having heard the uproar.

“No!” they shrieked as one, covering their faces with their copies of A Communist Manifesto. “Violence is not the answer!”

“No,” the Marine said. “Violence is the question. The answer is THE BIBLE.” With that, he punched each one of them in the face until they were all in an unconscious heap on the floor.

The Marine turned and faced the class, who were no longer quite so sure that science was better than religion, having witnessed all this.

But no sooner had the Marine turned around than fifteen big government contractors parachuted through a hole in the roof. “What’s this, what’s this?” they barked. “You can’t have a hole in the roof! It’s against our big government regulations! We’ll have to elect Comrade Obama to a third term to get it fixed!”

“I have a better idea,” said the Marine, standing up. “Since God is protecting America’s military and can’t fix the roof Himself, I’ll have to fix it …with your BONES.”

The big government contractors pulled out their Uzis to shoot the Marine dead, but he blocked every bullet with his copy of Atlas Shrugged. Then he pulled out his American Winchester and was about to shoot them all dead when the first atheist professor, having collected his wits, pressed a button on his watch. The walls of the school all fell down, revealing that the school was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of members of ACLU. And then every single member of the class tore off their masks—they were in the ACLU too!

The Marine frowned. If only God wasn’t over protecting the American military right now. It looked like he would have to do this the hard way. He had no regrets. He was going to go down fighting for what he believed in.

Just then, a beam of light fell from the sky. From it, every single U.S. President flew down on a giant bald eagle, and in their talons, the bald eagles held a giant banner that read “JesUSAves.”

The ACLU members all started shrieking away from the light, crying for government handouts to come and save them, but it was too late. The U.S. Presidents all had rocket launchers, and they were firing them into the crowds.

Overhead, Andrew Jackson’s eagle paused and dropped down a rope ladder made from the pages of The Federalist Papers. The Marine climbed it and sat behind Andrew Jackson himself.

“Welcome aboard, son,” said Andrew Jackson.

“I only have one father,” said the Marine, winding up his fist to punch Andrew Jackson. “He was a Jewish carpent-“

“Shhh,” said Andrew Jackson, patting the Marine on the arm in a cool way. “That was just a test to make sure you’re not a Communist.”

The bald eagle wheeled around and took to the skies, screeching a mighty screech. But wait! Some of the ACLU members had commandeered a Commie Copter and were flying after them, shouting “Convert to atheism, and your death will be quick and painless!”

Andrew Jackson turned to the Marine. “You know what to do,” he said. The Marine did.

He reached inside his vest and pulled out the anti-aircraft missile launcher he was constitutionally allowed to carry.

“ARE YOU FOLLOWING JESUS THIS CLOSELY?” he shouted, firing the missile. It was a direct hit! The Commie Copter sputtered and fell to the earth, the ACLU members screaming all the way down.

“We have to go back to earth,” the Marine said. “The rest of the ACLU is down there.”

“Don’t worry,” said Andrew Jackson. “They have all been so impressed by what you did that they have all renounced atheism and joined the army.” Andrew Jackson and the Marine flew to the White House and the Marine became President of the United States.

And that Marine’s name? Albert Einstein. 

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1 Comment

  1. Nick Acord

     /  October 28, 2014

    I… have no words. God bless ‘Merica!

    Reply

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