Last week, an online acquaintance told me her pastor had preached a sermon comparing women who’ve had sex outside of marriage to dirty toothbrushes.
I suppose the idea is that premarital sex makes you dirty, and so why would anyone want to clean their teeth with you. It’s a rough metaphor, but it’s effective—and it’s one I’ve heard variations on for most of my life in the Church. So, in the spirit of multiplying the effectiveness of this analogy, here are some ways to apply this line of thinking to other sins. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on April 12, 2014
Edit: Thanks, everyone, for reading this piece. Two things about it.
1. It is satirical.
2. It was written in a very emotional moment, and I regret not being more gracious in my approach. I’m leaving it up, because I stand by my general point, but I am aware that good, smart people disagree with me on this one, and I have love for those people.
Thusly armed, read on:
I’m sorry to say that this will be my final letter to you. I know what you’re thinking and, no, you didn’t do anything wrong. You are a victim here. As a matter of fact, we are both victims here, Nabirye. Let me explain.
You may not have heard, but World Vision has decided to hire people whose are living lives I believe the Bible tells us not to. World Vision is the place that takes care of you. And if I were to continue to support your ongoing health and wellbeing, I’d really be supporting decisions they’ve made about their hiring practices.
I take it you’re beginning to see the problem here.
I’m sure this isn’t easy for you to hear, but before you start getting all upset, try thinking about it from my perspective.
Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on March 25, 2014
[The scene opens on two men playing at a board game on a table. The stage is bare.]
1: I find this dull.
2: That’s why you’re losing.
1: Don’t do that.
1: Don’t strike that high and mighty, know-it-all tone. It doesn’t impress me. I know I’m losing. I always lose.
2: So why do you keep playing then?
1: Nature, I suppose.
2: No. Not nature.
1: You’re doing it again.
2: Being know-it-all is in my nature. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on March 11, 2014
Fitz figured his laptop only had about twenty-five minutes of battery power left before he’d have to get out of bed, dig under his desk, fish out his computer cord and plug it in, but he was on a roll and didn’t want to interrupt it.
Furthermore, he typed, his fingers spidering across the keyboard, how many things will the Church take a stand against before it learns that it’s not doing any good? Everyone knows what the Church is against. It’s against gay marriage. It’s against abortion. It’s definitely against Obama. You all have made that loud and clear. But if you were to ask the average person what they thought the Church was for, what would they say? A taller wall between Texas and Mexico? And where do you get that from the Bible—because it isn’t
Fitz stopped and started to look up references to verses about how the Israelites were supposed to treat foreigners. Twenty-three minutes left, and he was feeling okay. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on March 4, 2014
I’ve been trying to make some for the rap of Heaven in my life lately. Let me tell you what I mean.
“Listen to this,” Jess* squealed, jamming iPod earbuds into my hears. They were a new invention at the time, and I still was dazzled by the idea of song after song after song stuffed onto them. We were in college, and new music was to us what Kelloggs is to Cornflakes.
The music was unlike anything I’d ever heard. I was still emerging from the throes of my late high school music: Brand New, Nine Inch Nails, Foo Fighters and the like. College had acquainted me with Death Cab for Cutie, the Smiths, Arcade Fire and a growing understanding of Radiohead’s bristling post-OK Computer work.
But I’d never heard anything like what Jess was playing for me. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on February 16, 2014
Forever I Am Dating You
I was single
And you started dating me
Sad and alone
You washed over me
You date me
Out of being sad
And now I’ll spend my days
Looking at your face
Because I’m no longer single
When I get sad
You are always happy
When I am scared
You are always brave
And when I get single
You will date me still
Bridge: You are so pretty (30x)
Repeat Chorus 5x
Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on February 10, 2014
If only God were solid, I think. If only he were like rugs and pastries, like a freckle-faced boy on a bike. If only he meandered the streets, be he five feet tall or fifty, I’d take solace in that. It’s not that I want to see God (who truly would?) but I’d like him to have the connection to my life that the market has. I’d like him to draw my eyes, my fingertips. I’d like to feel some warmth coming from him. I’d like him to scrape my palms like tree bark. The thought of him interrupting my senses in any old way sounds a good deal more comforting than his current nebulous ubiquity. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on February 9, 2014
She is looking at him when he wakes up with a detached curiosity, like his waking was an expected ordeal. She, on the other hand, was not what he had expected at all. She did not look like him. She didn’t look like anything he’d ever seen.
“How long have you been there?” he says.
“I’ve always been here.”
“No, you haven’t. You’re new.”
“New,” she repeats, tasting the word. She discovers that she agrees with him even as she says it, and the word falls newly from her lips into a garden in which many things were just so. She pulls her knees up to her and rests her chin on them, wrapping her arms around her legs. He thinks her movements odd, but he cannot stop watching.
They sit in the earth, with trees waving about them like hands to God. It is morning, and the garden is bursting with chatter. Creatures acquainted only with life and nothing else. The world green and naked and wild. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on February 6, 2014
Among the Lakota tribe, there is an old story of a holy woman named PtesanWi, or “The White Buffalo Woman.” She was said have appeared out of nowhere, floating wherever she went, and taught the people four chief virtues: generosity, wisdom, courage and fortitude. Upon her departure, she said she would return one day to usher in a time of peace in an age of turmoil.
The sign of her coming, she said, would be a white buffalo born on their own land. The “Great White Buffalo” you may have heard about.
Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on January 11, 2014
I remember when I met my first Democrat the way some people might remember their first R-rated movie, or perhaps, their first tornado.
I was about nine years old. Me and some friends got shuttled once a week out of our tiny Nebraska town to the comparatively huge city of Kearney once a week, for drama class. Our drama teacher (of course) announced her political party to us with the weary nobility of Joan of Arc, and I suppose being a Democrat in a small midwestern town must have indeed seemed some sort of crucible. What had brought this conversation up escapes me now, but I remember our collective shock. “You’re a Democrat?” Micah had bellowed. It echoed all of our thoughts. Read the full post »
Posted by tylerhuckabee on December 10, 2013