The Most Comfortable Position

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When I was little, my dad taught me a trick to deal with insomnia.

We lived on a windswept acreage, with Nebraska cornfields unfurling from a thousand directions on all sides. I combed every inch of them, alone but for the companions I invented for myself in my head. By day, the amber, flecking wildness of everything around me rustled with motley invite. By night, it was quiet and lonesome. I would lie awake for hours.

My dad taught me a trick simple enough that has served me well whenever I’m in bed, unable to quite seal with the deal with sleep: methodically work your way up through your entire body, fine tuning its position for the most comfortable position. Read the full post »

Ranking Carman’s Music Videos by Badassness

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How to explain Carman?

He’s either someone you’re very familiar with, or not at all. He is a perfectly passable singer, but he was far more interested in a sort of rhyming, spoken word, preach-rap that defies description. Whatever it was, it was hugely, deliriously popular among a certain demographic of Christianity—selling millions of albums back when people still did that sort of thing and setting a record for the most people to ever attend a Christian concert.

And yet, if Carman (if he has a last name, I’ve never heard it) will be remembered for one thing, it is absolutely his music videos. They are insane. Read the full post »

An Open Letter to Robin Hood From the Honorable Sheriff of Nottingham: Stop Tearing This Country Apart

Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 9.18.29 AMBy now, I reckon everyone is mighty familiar with the right sad occurrences that transpired in the church of Friar Tuck roundabout last week. For those unacquainted with the goings-on or, as I would be none too surprised to learn, those who have swallowed the whole kaboodle of the media’s spin on the events, here’s what happened straight from the old horse’s mouth.  Read the full post »

Why Christians Like Donald Trump

Donald Trump, chairman and president of the Trump Organization and the founder of Trump Entertainment Resorts, speaks at a National Press Club Newsmaker Luncheon in Washington, DC, on May 27, 2014. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad

Largely overlooked in Donald Trump’s nuclear-level comments disparaging Sen. John McCain’s war record was another, possibly more illuminating quote Trump gave at the same Iowa event. Moderator Frank Luntz asked Trump, a Presbyterian, a very simple question: “Have you ever asked God for forgiveness?”

The audience chuckled at the question—this was Trump after all—but to his uncharacteristic credit, he seemed to seriously consider with the question. Alas, that consideration resulted in the following response:

“I’m not sure that I have. I just go on and try to do a better job from there. I don’t think so. I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.” Read the full post »

Matt Walsh Liveblogs an Episode of ‘House of Cards’

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Since Tyler Huckabee is too busy to do anything this week, tylerhuckabee.com invited Matt Walsh over to liveblog an episode of House of Cards. This is a satire.

I’m not normally one for watching Netflix or any television, or any media at all, because I am not interested in opening my home up to a constant spew of violence, misinformation, liberal spin and glorification of American depravity in which every moment of national insanity is hailed as what passes for “progress” in this lunatic age, but House of Cards intrigues me.

The name seems to imply that the White House has grown so vapid and brittle from its constant cowing to foreign interests and the incessant mewing of our Commander in Chief that the slightest gust of reason could topple it. This is an interesting idea, but it does not go far enough. In truth, our entire country is a house of cards, a rickety lean-to built by feminist-y, gun-paranoid, precious snowflakes who whine about their feelings and microaggressions with every card they haphazardly slam into place, shutting their ears against any whisper of sensibility. Read the full post »

Why I Support Same-Sex Marriage

Let’s begin with the beginning.

God, having crafted a good world and a very good man to till it, declares that it is “not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

A lot of energy has been expended on that word, helper. On the face of it, it sets up a nice little proof text for straight marriage. A man is alone, so God makes a woman and, thus, a cosmic balance is achieved. Let never humanity tip it asunder.

But the more interesting word in “it is not good for the man to be alone” is the word alone. Eve isn’t spun into existence for her uterus—the “child bearing hips” modern society imagines all ancient cultures reduced women to—but for love. It is not good for man to be alone. Read the full post »

The 8 Most Implausible Bodies in the Marvel Universe

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Now, before we get started, let’s acknowledge that Marvel is a fantastical universe and we must allow it the fancies of the genre. If Marvel decides that spider bite bestows upon its victim a truly enviable six-pack or that Tony Stark somehow finds time to exercise for a couple hours a day in addition to all his inventing/Avenging, than we can allow them those quirks.

But where do we draw the line? At what point does the fantastical just become purely improbable? Here, we will determine just that. Read the full post »

Stop Worrying About What Message You’re Sending.

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Over the weekend, I got a text from someone asking how I felt about Franklin Graham’s decision to move his organization’s significant funds from one bank to another.

As you may have heard, Graham was upset by Wells Fargo’s decision to include a lesbian couple in a television ad. In an act of defiance, he moved his money to BB&T. This caused no small amount of eye-rolling, as BB&T has been quite vocal in its own support for marriage equality. Likewise, a few people have taken great delight in pointing out the irony of Graham announcing his decision over Facebook, a “vehemently pro-LGBT” organization.  Read the full post »

True Love Rocks: Ranking CCM’s Pro-Abstinence Songs of the ’90s

pain-during-sex_10135 In the ’90s, CCM was into two things: U2 and not having sex. Also, goatees. And ska. OK, CCM was into a lot of things in the ’90s, but having already covered that in detail elsewhere, this list will be devoted to CCM’s many admirable attempts to make sexual abstinence look fun.

A lot could be said about sexual abstinence, but let me state for the record that I bear the True Love Waits movement no ill will whatsoever. This is not about trashing the virtues of waiting till marriage, nor mocking people who are committed to doing so. This is about ranking CCM songs about keeping your pants on, so let’s get down to it.

Whatever you do, I beg of you, please do not skip the final video, which is the most incredible thing I’ve seen on the Internet in months. Read the full post »

Plugged In Reviews Books of the Bible

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For those not in the know, Plugged In is amazing. It might be the most interesting film review site on the whole entire Internet.

A branch of Focus on the Family, Plugged In reviews movies in the manner of a Louisa May Alcott-era schoolmarm rattling off a list of her students’ gravest misdeeds. Avengers: Age of Ultron is docked points for “sporadic foul language and sexual innuendo.” Boyhood is described as “almost three hours of foul language, crude capers, bad behavior…” Read the full post »

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